a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
