I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
