After last night, I could never be a politician.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
