she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
