Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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