im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
