I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize