LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
