you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
