Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
