Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
