I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
