He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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