I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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