You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
