I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
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