I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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