I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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