Can Purell be used as lube?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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