it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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