Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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