You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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