Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize