i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
