it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
