Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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