genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Randomize
