we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
