The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
