Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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