you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
