It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
