I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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