woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
