i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
