Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
