Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
