I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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