wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
