Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
