No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
