drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Alive.
So much puke
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
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