8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize