My first STD was from a foam party
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
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