Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
