Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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