Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
