I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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