I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
