Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
