John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
