Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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