I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
