we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
