I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Reggie can tackle my bush.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize