i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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