I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Floor bacon is actually really good
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
