The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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